


The Swansong

by rainbowdots888



Category: Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Break Up, Declarations Of Love, Difficult Decisions, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 07:18:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12452385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowdots888/pseuds/rainbowdots888
Summary: After he was told the forbidden words by Ohkura, Ryo is still waiting for a change in their relationship. He decides to go to his lover's place to seek a final answer.





	The Swansong

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written as a sequel to 'Tokyo will still be there' so I highly recommend you read (or re-read) this story first. But it works also as an OS. I think. Ryo POV this time, though. And, well, for the smut, it's TORN we're talking about, right? Enjoy :-)

“I come in Peace,” I say with my largest smile, lifting a jingling six-pack over my head. I've no idea of what I'm trying to achieve here but at least it makes you laugh. You've just cracked your door open, checking who in the hell is ringing your bell at 10:00 pm on a Thursday. I haven't called before because I feared rejection. What if she's here, at your place?

 

“Did we, like, scheduled something tonight?” You ask. I can see the questions all over your face.

 

“No. I just felt like talking. Plus, I have beer.” I shake the beers again and note inwardly not to open them before a good hour of rest. “May I...?”

 

“Yeah, sure. Sorry...”

 

You let me in, finally. And you're still smiling, which is a charming surprise. It's been two months since that night at the hotel and we've been basically ignoring each other once outside of work. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad one anymore. I'm not close to you so I'm not tempted. But when you're here, it's an endless torture for me. How about you? You're not that easily readable in the end, and I still cling to those words you whispered to me then.

 

_I love you._

 

You've said it, I'm not mad.

 

Your flat is dimly lit, there's your favorite scented candle burning in its jar on the coffee table and this place smells so much like you. It makes me immediately drunk on that addictive fragrance of yours. Maybe I shouldn't have come. It's too painful.

 

I sit on the sofa, next to you. Darn, it's awkward.

 

“Is she...?” I dare to ask. I don't want her to barge in while I'm confessing again, during my last attempt at making you change your mind. I've decided it will be the last, and if it's a no again, I'll let you go. If only I can.

 

“No. She's on location for a movie. Three days. Why?”

 

“Are you really asking me why Ohkura?”

 

“I thought you just felt like talking?”

 

Your words are definitely hitting me hard. I didn't expect you to use sarcasm in that kind of situation. Maybe I've been wrong all this time, after all. But you're also smiling, and I squint just a little, I take my time to read your features. It's not straight sarcasm. You're a bit scared and playful as well. As if you were playing with fire, fearing the burn and enjoying the warmth at the same time.

 

“We need to talk, for sure. It's been two months since... that night, and maybe it was naive of me but I thought we'd cleared some things up then. And... nothing. I can't do as if we were _just friends_ anymore. So it's either 'yes' or 'no'. But 'maybe' or 'sometimes', I don't want anymore.”

 

Your pretty eyes stare at me in shock. You've just understood how important tonight is, for us. Even if it's painful we have to sort things out. You're so beautiful it's a struggle not to kiss your lips, not to make you mine right now, here, one last time if it has to be like this. It would be our swan song, our own 'The End' like in the tragic romantic movies of the 50's. I want our story to finish with as much pleasure as it has started.

 

“I know it's not the answer you're expecting but...”

 

I don't want to hear those words, in the end. My heart is already breaking so I kiss you on the mouth, drowning your answer in my love for you. I push you just a tad, with my hand flat on your chest and you fall back, landing softly on the fluffy cushions of the sofa. You seem not to mind the interruption as your hands are already under my shirt, grazing my spine, and I feast on your lips. It's silent, it's slow, but it feels so perfect, you and I only, in your apartment for the first time. We're not hiding far away from Tokyo for once, the door is not locked and I can feel you hard against my thigh, already yielding to the desire that has always been burning between us.

 

Suddenly you sit up and lift me in your arms while nibbling at my earlobe. You know me by heart and this is one of the ways you often use to have me completely docile. Soon, I'm carried like a girl, clinging to your hips with my legs, my arms embracing your neck and you're bringing me to your bedroom, pushing me every ten seconds or so against the wall of your way too long hallway to steal a kiss. It feels like a dream.

 

When we finally tumble onto the bed, you're over me, heavy and perfect. Your left-hand goes to my crotch and skillfully gets rid of the usual leather belt and zipper. I'm in a love daze, completely subdued by all your caresses and despite all this, your fingers can't find me hard down there. I remain limp despite all the excitement, all the love, all that I want from you tonight.

 

Your hand retreats slowly and you brush my lower lip with your thumb.

 

“Ryo-chan, are you okay?” It's a tender whisper, but it hurts so much. It acknowledges how difficult this whole situation is for me. Your hitching breaths are becoming even, second by second, and we stare at each other in the eyes, our looks piercing beyond all the lies, all the fake promises, all the deceptions.

 

“I... I'm sorry.” I say, at a loss for something better, for a real explanation.

 

You sit up and take your head in your hands, your long fingers brushing back your curly bangs. Perhaps you're crying. I'm not brave enough to check yet. So I stay on the bed, looking at the blank ceiling and relishing the soft fragrance of your sheets. Once again it smells so much like you, it's like a feathery nest in which I'd like to drown.

 

“It's the first time. I'm sorry.” I add, more to convince myself than to be forgiven. “I can't help thinking, now. Even when we are... making love, you see. All those thoughts, they're eating my brain. If you kiss me, I imagine the moments when you're kissing her. Ohkura, I'm so sorry I'm selfishly asking you to be with me, only. I know you want a family, a normal life. I also know that being together for good would be an everyday struggle. But every time I come to the conclusion that I should let you go, my whole body revolts and I end up crying and screaming by myself because it's not fair. Not. Fair. I love you, only. That's all.”

 

I'm talking to the ceiling and it feels so much easier. The ceiling is just blank. It's not judging nor crying. You are, though, crying your eyes out, and I can see the outline of your back shaken by sobs that you're trying to muffle in your hands. How pathetic we've become, you and I. Men in our thirties, unable to make proper decisions when the answer to our problem seems so simple. I finally sit up as well and look at you. You're made so weak by my words every time, I really hate that in me, when you're usually so strong and witty.

 

I'm sitting on your lap and the gentlest I can, wipe away your tears with my calloused fingers. They're not as soft as yours, I know, but once you told me you like them. You even kiss each of them in turn, sometimes, after love.

 

You finally look at me with bloodshot eyes, so fragile I feel the need to protect you forever. I want to be the wall between you and the pain, the roof that shelters you when the storm is raging.

 

“I... I love you so much, Ryo. It's so scary...”

 

Despite the tears, your voice is deep and assertive, and it sends waves of pleasure through my veins. I'd pay billions to be sure you're telling me this every following day of my life.

 

“Yes, it's the scariest thing in the world. But also the most simple ever.”

 

You press your lips against mine and I don't know why, given the circumstances, but this fleeting kiss has the taste of triumph.

 

It's past midnight on your bedside clock and we're kissing again, it's so much like us, never saying clearly what we think and letting our bodies talk instead. I hope that we both reached the same conclusion, to be honest. But your lips are distracting me again and this time no nasty thought is coming up when you're nibbling at my collar bone and I feel a powerful desire warming up my lower parts.

 

Your palms are cupping and squeezing my ass, pulling me closer to you, so close our hips touch and I can feel how much you want me as well. My head spins as our cocks grind against each other, still prisoners of those fabric barriers I hate when they're preventing my skin to rub on yours.

 

“I want you, inside me. Make me yours, make me numb.” I whisper in our kiss and those words alone are making you moan. I'm delicately dropped off on your bed and you get rid of your clothes, piece by piece, not even playful as you usually are. Today is not the day for a cheeky striptease, it's the moment for honesty and raw feelings. My jeans and shirt are gone within the next second under your skillful fingers and you're kissing my belly, following the line from my navel to the growing bulge in my boxers. You're pressing a kiss also there, faintly chuckling at my moan and the way I bite my lower lip. I can't with that piece of underwear anymore but you're taking your time, biting my hip, licking just above the waistband and making it slide off my body inch by inch, incredibly teasing and greedy. When it's finally out of our way, I feel liberated, as if all the nasty things were gone with it. We're kissing more and more, I'm losing my breath and intoxicate myself with you, completely naked over me, your velvety and warm skin merging with mine in the most delicious way.

 

I want you so badly, I want to be yours so utterly that it is not enough, even all this is not enough so I softly push you off me and turn around. I just saw in your lust-filled gaze the confirmation that you want it as much as me, at least. I'm on my knees on the bed and your caressing hands are sliding on my chest, your lips already on my nape, it feels perfect that slow invasion of my entire self. When you're holding me like this, I'm invincible. My skinny frame adorns the powerful armor that is your body and I can be myself, completely.

 

You're being so careful when you finally push into me, so tender I roll my head back with pleasure until it falls on your shoulder. Your first prudent thrusts are taking us both to heaven in mere seconds.

 

I encouragingly purr every time your fingers are toying with my nipples before moaning out loud when they're grazing the underside of my hard cock. It feels like you're everywhere around me, on me, inside me, turning me into a bunch of needy cells, made numb by the intensity of our lovemaking. Your chest is brushing against my back, up and down, sweaty and muscular and I can't even put a word on that crazy feeling.

 

I'm insanely yours.

 

I shake, it's too much and I fall forward, pulling you down with me. I'm now crouched under you, taking your rhythmic thrusts with a tremendous relish that soon leads me to my peak, way faster than I would have imagined. I'm so weak over your magic. I'm burning all over, biting the pillow in which I cry out the violent orgasm that takes over me. At least the whole building won't hear my wild scream through the open windows of your room.

 

You're not done yet, but your high pitched moans are showing that you are incredibly close, shaking more at every erratic thrust and languorously kissing my nape.

 

When you finally come deep inside me, it's with a gorgeous satiated sigh, one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard, slouching over me, spent and sweaty, still trembling from utter pleasure.

  
You start moving quite fast, too fast, trying to go off me to give me air but I don't want that. I want to remain protected under the shell your larger frame is forming around me. I want to keep merging with you. To be one at least a little longer.  
  
"Don't!" I hastily whisper. "Stay like this. Please."  
  
Another kiss on my nape, a tender chuckle against my cheek and we stay embraced like this for a while until I feel strong enough to bear the outside world and anything that is not just us. Until I can face your answer.

 

When I wake up it's already dawn and I experience the same usual clenching in my heart after our nights together. Dawn means that you'll return to her. It means that the dream is over. You're not in the bed anymore so I get up and start looking for you. I can hear your voice, talking on the phone, subdued by the doors closed between us. You're in the living room and every step I take along that hell of a long corridor makes me hear your conversation clearer.

 

“It's been a long time already. I'm so sorry. We can't go on like this anymore. I like you very much, you've been so nice to me but... I feel bad lying to you like this. Liking you is not enough.”

 

Silence. I can see your back again, hear your sniffs. You're crying. Again, because of me.

 

“You have the right to hate me.” You say, softly.

 

Someone is talking on the other end of the line, talking loudly, screaming. Her, I realize.

 

Only when you hang up I feel entitled to come in and sit next to you. You've cried a lot in the past twenty-four hours and I'm the reason for those tears. I feel bad but victorious as well. I'd like to scream out of joy, I'd like to call my friends and tell them all that I'm now the happiest man on earth but your poor eyes are bringing me back to our reality. There's no utter happiness. All the joys have to be balanced with painful things.

 

“It's done.” You say, trying to smile.

 

“Thank you.” And I try to put in those two words all the consideration in the world. All my gratitude.

 

Your head is softly falling on my chest and you cuddle as close as you can while our fingers intertwine.

 

“I love you. I want to be with you, Ryo. Screw the rest of the world and my unrealistic vision of what my life should have been. I want to be with you and that's all there is.”

 

Once again the sound of your voice is telling me how confident you are in the decision you've just made. If it's a dream, I don't want to wake up.

 

I caress your messy hair and kiss your forehead. I'm yours, forever. I've always been. And you're mine, finally.

 

Dawn is utterly beautiful today.

 


End file.
